Find your tribe and love them hard. I see that saying pop up on social media a lot, normally accompanied by a heartfelt message in the description line and a prompt to “Tag your tribe.” I am grateful for my own core friend group and we have seen our share of highs and lows over the last few years. But truthfully, how do you respond when a member of your tribe receives a real blow? I’ll admit, I am the one that fumbles in tough situations. I don’t know the best thing to say, and I normally find myself hanging in the sidelines until the worst of it blows over. Gosh, that makes me sound like a bad friend, but don’t you know that one person in your life that’s just really good when the going gets rough? The one that thinks to pick up a gift, stops their life to run immediately to someone in need, and will not hesitate to pick up to phone to listen? I strive to be that friend, but I am not too proud to say I need some work.
Two years ago, I found myself in two situations that did require me to be that friend. I heard from my friend, Emma*, as she was suffering the horrible loss of miscarriage. Not long after this, I received word that Mary* had to make the impossible decision to have a hysterectomy after years of enduring the pain of severe endometriosis. Here were two members of my tribe reaching out for me, and panic set in. I thought, Will I actually be able to support them the way they need? What can I say? What can I do? Both of these blows came at a time when my own pregnancy was becoming visibly obvious. Suddenly, my swelling belly became an immense insecurity as I feared my presence would hearken bad feelings and be a constant reminder of their own losses.
Looking back, I can see ways I really dropped the ball, worrying about things that did not matter. As a result, I learned a few things that I think we can all use to strengthen our bonds in our most treasured relationships.
Ask
This seems obvious, I know. It seems to be the natural thing that comes out of our mouth when those around us are suffering, but do you really mean it when you say, “Do you need anything?” I know most of us, me included, are expecting the, “I’m fine” response, but it is times like this that you need to realize that your friend may not be fine. Give it a few days and ask again. And mean it.
Act
When I asked Mary what she needed from me, she didn’t hesitate. Her request: a visit and my homemade mac and cheese. Expecting to hear, “I’m fine,” a real request threw me for a second. But goodness, she would have done the exact same for me without even being asked. You see, Mary is one of those drop-everything-for-anyone kind of gals and I needed to take a leaf out of her book. Plus, making mac and cheese for her also meant I could indulge in the recipe I only pull out for holidays, so it was a win-win for all involved parties.
I spoke to Emma regularly and urged her to let me know if she needed anything. She kept saying thank you, she was alright, but she would definitely let me know. Wanting to do something, I purchased a Starbucks gift card and wrote a note with all the encouraging words I could muster. A small token, yes, but it was enough to assure her that I meant it when I said I would help any way I could. I promise, even the smallest gesture can speak loudly. And the old adage is true: actions speak louder than words.
Admit
During the post-op visit with Mary, I voiced my desire to be there for her as she needed, but I admitted my hesitation of coming around for fear of my pregnancy upsetting her. Laughing with a mouthful of macaroni, she reminded me that she had asked for me to come around. Having a conversation like this seems unwarranted, but being honest with your friends and sharing your concern about not being the right kind of comfort is sometimes necessary. I did not want to shatter Mary’s expectation of me, and by opening the dialogue, I learned exactly what she needed. She just needed me to be there in whatever state I was in. Give your girls more credit; a good friend won’t ask more of you than you can give. They may not ever ask anything of you at all, but the easiest thing you can give is just yourself and your time . . . and maybe some macaroni or coffee.
Exhibiting extraordinary strength, Mary and Emma still remained present for me my entire pregnancy, despite their circumstances. Their resiliency is inspiring. Our friendships grew stronger through this, and I know I can lean on them for anything. I hope they think the same of me. I know they still have their hard days, and sometimes they tell me about them. So I do everything I can to continue being a supportive friend by just being present and listening. Find your tribe, Ladies, and love them hard.
*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved and their stories were posted with their permission.
