As I sit to write, I am looking at the sweetest teddy bear invitations and baby blue party plates. I’ve just finished my grocery list of all the food items needed to celebrate a birthday lunch with family and friends. (It includes a large ham, baked mac-n-cheese, deviled eggs, fresh peas, and a snack board for the kids.) I’ve printed milestone photos and framed them to display.
I’ll pick up the sweetest first birthday cake tomorrow. It will be a two-tiered cake—enough to serve twice as many people as I need—and, of course, there will be a smash cake for my little one year old to play in. Custom cookies are on the way, giant teddy bears are ready to be displayed, and there will be plenty of balloons all over the space. Have I gone over-the- top here? Should someone have reigned me back in? Maybe. But this is my last little baby, my last first birthday party, and it has me feeling a certain kind of way.
I keep thinking, how did we get here so fast?
This last year was a complete blur! From the joy and excitement of having Theo placed on my chest for the first time, to bringing our last baby home to meet his family, to all the night feedings and sweet baby smiles and a year full of “firsts”- it all runs together in my mind, and it all slipped by so fast!
Being the fourth baby in our family, there wasn’t much time or space for a newborn to be a newborn. We hit the ground running the week Theo was born, taking him to the ball field and a school chorus concert. At three weeks we took him camping for Spring Break, and just a few weeks later we traveled to join family for Easter celebrations. When Theo was three months old I flew to California with my husband on a work retreat and left our caboose overnight for the first time. Did I rush him through the baby stage or soak it all in like I wanted to? Did I take enough pictures and videos to we document all his first milestones—the very last of the “firsts” for our family? Like all moms, I start to doubt myself.
It’s so natural for us to grieve a stage in our children’s lives when it’s over.
Theo is turning one. The infant stage is over and it will never happen again. And in my case, it’s not just that his baby stage is over, it’s that there will never be another newborn for me. I really can’t believe that’s where I am! I absolutely love babies and I loved each of my pregnancies.
There really are no words to describe what a precious, intimate time pregnancy and newborn life is for a family. Even as a little girl I dreamed of being a mom to a large family. Other plans and goals changed as I grew up, and the way I pictured my adult self shifted with time. I considered several careers—journalist, news anchor, history teacher, attorney, performing arts instructor, etc. I pictured myself living in different cities and in different types of homes, but the one thing that never changed was picturing myself as a mom. Now it’s here!
I am living my dream of being a mom to a large family. I’m blessed beyond measure, and I get so much joy from each child everyday. So why do I doubt myself? Why do I grieve the last baby turning one? Why do moms do this to themselves?
It doesn’t help that every time we turn around, someone is telling us “don’t blink, it will be over” or “you’ll miss this one day.”
I know these comments are intended to be supportive, but on a day when you doubt yourself and your ability to be present as a mother, these comments only hurt. Of course we know we will miss this one day! Of course we know how fast it goes by! Look how fast just one year passed! Desperately, we are trying to soak in every second, every sight and sound, and preserve every memory!
We are spinning our wheels as fast as they will go to be all things for all the people in our lives. We are working to help provide for our families, being caretakers of our children, keepers of our homes, and supporters of our spouses, all while trying to keep a sense of ourselves in the process. It terrifies us that the days and years go by so quickly! We do not have to be reminded. We do not have to let passing comments plague us with doubt.
When my first son turned one, the same feelings of time lost and doubt over whether I made it all count crept in.
I knew there would be more babies and more birthdays, but, still, my first year as a mother was behind me. I’ll never forget how the feelings came up in a conversation with my husband’s grandmother and her quick response to the situation. Mimi spoke in that classic sweet southern grandmother voice and said,
“Well, gosh, yes it’s always a little sad when a baby turns one. But, I can honestly say I have enjoyed every stage of motherhood with each of my children. I loved their early childhood, their teenage years, and watching them become adults. I still get the most joy out of being their mom, even though they are moms and grandmas themselves!”
That statement hit me like a ton of bricks! Yes, the first year was over, but there were so many more fun years ahead.
Each stage of childhood (and motherhood) is different, but all are equally exciting.
Instead of focusing on the year that was behind me, I started envisioning how fun it would be to watch my son play T-Ball for the first time or ask someone to the middle school dance. There is pride, joy, and excitement in each stage. I get the most amusement from watching my children grow, learn, and become their own little people every step of the way! And you know what? They still need me in each stage of development. Maybe it’s not in the same way they did that first year, but they still need me. Instead of diapers and night feedings, it might be applying band aids or talking through big emotions. Our relationship grows, shifts, and deepens with the passing days.
So mama, give yourself a break. Look back on the past year with gratitude and contentment while looking to the coming years with excitement. Were there things you could do differently or better? Of course! There is always room for reflection and improvement, but I’d be willing to bet you did a lot more right than wrong. Stay present in the coming year, and enjoy all the new experiences you will have with your toddler. Look forward to the adventures ahead, knowing that as one stage comes to an end, another new stage is beginning. Each stage will bring its own challenges, but it will also bring its own joys.
