A few months ago I had an emergency hysterectomy surgery and the door that I had kept partly open closed for good.
There was never a time in my life that I did not want children. I have been blessed with five in my life. Three are angels and two are my rainbow babies. For me to conceive and carry to term was nothing short of a miracle.
When I first saw my OB, I came to him for an ablation due to extremely heavy cycles. My tubes were tied after my last pregnancy, but the persistent bleeding was causing me to nearly pass out and become physically sick. I started to have panic attacks every time my cycle was due. It was during this that he told me my uterus was in the shape of a heart, a bicornuate uterus. This means that the risk for complications was high, and it explains my struggle to carry to term. He warned me that there was a good chance the ablation would fail, and we would have to proceed with a hysterectomy.
I made it almost an entire year before the ablation failed. It was during this time that I met my now husband. There was a moment that I was very tempted to have my tubes untied. I have finally met my soulmate after forty years, and one thing I desperately wanted was for us to have a child together. That was what my heart was wanting, but logically we both knew that it would be a very bad idea. We were 39/40 years old. Between the two of us there were five kids ranging from fourteen to almost three. I was already considered high risk and both my daughter and I had previously had complications on the operating table. Not to mention I also had previous miscarriages. (Our running joke was knowing that with our luck, if I were to get pregnant, it would be triplets.)
When my cycle started back again, and I started to black out, I knew there was no other option. My amazing doctor rushed me in, and my fiancé was by my side. I did mourn the loss of having more children. I feel like that is one of the best things we can do. I mourned the loss of checking for the positive pregnancy test, and the small changes we notice with our bodies. I mourned even the morning sickness! I knew I would miss feeling those flutters under my heart. So many things about pregnancy I would miss.
Even though the door for more babies has closed, I have still gained three children through my husband! I am an aunt several times over and soak up all the baby snuggles when the opportunity arises. Let’s be honest, too; I am tired after chasing around a toddler and all that comes with having young children at home. While the door for more children has closed for me, the window for more experiences has not.
