I am someone who loves helping my friends with their problems, namely offering a listening ear that usually puts forth a realistic and promising solution. But what happens when they have a “problem” to which I can’t offer any type of solution? I put “problem” in quotations because some problems are not actual tangible “problems,” but rather social issues or stress with children (with are ever-present in all our lives).
One of my dear friends (we’ll call her Gina) has struggled with infertility for years.
Her and her husband were finally able to conceive via IVF, and she gave birth to her first son, Beau. After about 9 months of age, Beau started regressing and showing signs of cognitive developmental delays. After undergoing some intensive (and expensive) testing, they discovered that he has a rare genetic condition call KIF1A Associated Neurological Disorder (KAND). I will not get into much regarding the disorder in this post, but it is degenerative in nature. There are several associated symptoms and disorders involved with this particular genetic mutation. One of the biggest red flags for Beau was the inability to walk by 18 months of age, as well as showing no signs of language development past about nine months of age.
As you can imagine, this diagnosis brings many challenges to Gina as a mother, wife, and a friend. On top of constant hurdles to jump through on a daily basis with Beau and his disability, there comes the anxiety surrounding his quality of life, future expectations, and predicted negative developments with KAND (this is all on top of the “usual” challenges of motherhood).
Moving forward slightly, Gina and her husband are ready to try for another child.
They want to give Beau a little brother or sister. During the process of genetic testing, Gina discovered that her husband carries this particular gene, so their chances of conceiving another child with KAND is about 75%. So, onto IVF she goes, going through the genetic testing that is necessary to rule out this particular disorder.
Every month, Gina goes in to have an ultrasound to see if she’s ready for implantation. Every month, I get a message of frustration because the medications are not working to help prepare her uterus. Every month, my heart breaks for her. I want this for her. I want her to bring a happy, healthy baby into this world to help raise Beau and be a light for him, as well as for Gina and her husband, especially while they are trying to navigate Beau’s struggles and (predicted) short lifespan.
How do I support her?
How do I make her feel better? How do I console her? I have NONE of the experiences she has. I have struggles in my motherhood journey just as everyone does, but not the struggles of Gina.
Instead of offering words of encouragement or hope, I let Gina vent to me. I let her cry. I cry with her. I tell her how much of what she is going through SUCKS. I tell her that I have no words for her, but I will always be there to listen. I am not going to tell her that “everything happens for a reason,” because that is not at ALL what she wants or needs to hear. She just needs to hear me on the other line listening to her frustrations, letting her vent as much as she needs to, and then being there as support when she’s ready to pick herself back up. How did I know that’s what she wanted? I asked her. “I don’t know how to support you while going through this. Tell me how.” And she did.
Offering a solution is not always the solution. Sometimes you need to just shut up and let God take over. If you are ever unsure of how to support someone, just ask them. They will tell you.
*This has been shared with permission from “Gina.”
A mother’s love is like no other. The love of a dear friend that listens with empathy, not sympathy, not solutions is a rare and special gift. As the mother of a special child, I developed the feeling of isolation that can come when others are talking about their perfect children and their normal issues. I knew that my resentment was unfair, I needed to talk with someone who would listen. I was blessed to develop some ‘angel’ adult friendships with a couple of women who enjoyed children of all abilities . They listened with moral support and would go on outings with my child and I, listening to me when I was low. In terms of what to say or do, yes, just ask. It is comforting if one can make a regular ‘talk’ appointment time or a regular ‘community’ time for mom, child and you to get out and about. It is affirming to know that a friend cares enough to commit to future contact. A friend with whom I could ventilate, who listened with compassion was and is a blessing indeed.
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