My daughter recently entered her tween era. There are times when she is too cool for mom, but there are also a lot of times that her face lights up when I compliment her or she wraps me up in a huge hug that I wish could last all day. In those times, I see that she’s still a kid, and that at any age, she wants and needs to feel loved and show love. It can still be hard to know how to say “I love you” to your tween.
The Five Love Languages
Dr. Gary Chapman wrote a well known series about the 5 Love Languages, which says that people prefer to express and receive love in one of the five love languages. These love languages are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Physical Touch
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
Most of us like a combo to some extent, and your preference may change as you age. Discovering your tween’s top one or two love languages can help you show your love in a way that will be more easily received. How they show love to you can be a big clue as to how they receive love best.
- Does your kid give you verbal praise and compliments? Her love language is probably Words of Affirmation.
- Is your son a hugger and a cuddler? He needs Physical Touch.
- Does your daughter love to help you with projects or ask you to play with her? She craves Quality Time.
- Does your child enjoy doing things for you like loading the dishwasher or setting the table? He feels your love through Acts of Service.
- Does your kid love to give Christmas gifts or make special crafts and drawings for you? Gifts make her feel special and loved.
If you really aren’t sure, there is a free quiz that can help you and your child.
None of these languages are bad, but if your love language is different from your tween’s, it can be difficult to know where to start. Here are ideas of how to meet your tweens where they are and give them the love they want.
1. Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation show your love through the words you say or write and encouragement you give.
- Just say it. The words “I love you” are easier for some families than others. Make it a part of your daily routine to say “I love you” at least once a day to each member of your family.
- Leave an encouraging note on their bathroom mirror or in their lunchbox. This could be a funny joke as a way to show you are thinking of them or a note applauding the hard work they put in for their big test today.
- Give specific compliments on their character or work ethic.
- “I love how dedicated you are to your school work.”
- “You were so brave to dance on stage at the recital.”
- “Thank you for being so kind to your little brother. He is lucky to have you as his big sister.”
These words may feel awkward at first, but putting into words how you feel about them can go a long way for both of you.
2. Physical Touch
There are many small ways to show love through physical touch.
- Hugs
- Snuggles while reading or watching a family movie
- Holding hands
- High fives
- Fist bumps
- Brushing your child’s hair
- Even just sitting side by side
Of course with physical touch, children need to know appropriate boundaries, so discuss those with your child when you feel it is appropriate.
3. Quality Time
Quality time can be hard when life is so busy! Put the emphasis on quality, not quantity. Being truly present for a 20 minute driveway basketball game says “I love you.” An hour in the driveway with text interruptions and email distractions says “I don’t have time for you.”
- Eat dinner as a family
- Take your child out to lunch at their favorite restaurant
- Play their favorite sport with them
- Read a book or watch a movie together
- Go shopping for clothing, jewelry, make up, or sports equipment. Let them pick the stores.
- Set your phone aside, sit down, look in their eyes, and really listen when they want to talk
- Go on a walk
- If they ask you to do something with them, say “yes.” If you really can’t at that moment, suggest a different time when you can be more present.
4. Acts of Service
Acts of Service is a hard one because it’s difficult to think of things that aren’t just more chores. Find an interest of theirs and show them that you respect their expertise or ideas in this area, or give them independence with something they would enjoy.
- Ask them to give you make up or hair advice
- Ask them to teach you something they are good at
- Ask them to drop something off to a neighbor or teacher
5. Gifts
Presents are great, but gifts don’t have to be material. Here are a few non-material ways to give something to your tween.
- Extend their curfew on a special night
- Give them a privilege. Bonus points if it’s before they ask. Let them know you have noticed how responsible they have been and that you feel they are ready for this extra privilege.
- Buy their favorite snacks
- Offer to have their friends over after school
- Help them during a busy week by doing a chore for them without being asked
- Check out library books they would love
- Let them borrow your shoes or earrings they always admire
Love may look a little different during the tween years, but we all need and want to feel loved.
What is your tween’s love language? What is your love language? How will you show your tween you love them this week?
For more Valentine’s Day ideas, check out this post:
