I Sometimes Resent my Own Emotions.
But why? They are my emotions, they are real, and they are valid. So, why do I feel guilty when I feel certain things?
For example, recently my husband mentioned the idea of having another baby. My mind immediately went to panic. “Yeah, I would want another baby too, if I was the dad.” And while I recognize that my son needs both parents present, let’s face it, the majority of things fall on the mother.
I feel anger sometimes. To be frank, I am angry that my husband has more freedom than I do.
I also feel a ton of shame admitting that to you.
Motherhood is Beautiful Chaos.
And I am the chaos coordinator. The bond that I share with my son is ironclad. In fact, I did not even understand love songs until I held him for the first time. Seriously, I was recently listening to Sara Evans’s song “No Place That Far,” a song I have listened to thousands of times, but only now does it make sense. There was never anyone in my life I would have swam a thousand rivers to get to until my son was born. The type of love I have for my son makes me understand love songs.
Even with that being said, there are days when I miss my freedom. Sometimes I miss my old life, and that makes me feel like the worst human on planet Earth.
I Sometimes Resent Myself.
How can I love my son the way that I do and still want to run away and hide on the hard days? These questions haunt me. Parenting is hard, and I’m trying to find balance in each new season. I try not to daydream about the days I could book a last minute Southwest Wanna Get Away flight to Las Vegas with the girls for the weekend. Those days are gone.
As I type this I can hear my husband snoring in our bedroom next to us. I am in my toddler’s room trying to get him to sleep. He is restless, and he is pulling my hair. I am exhausted and I am reminded of everything I could be doing. Yet here I am, trying not to cry.
Recently, I decided to work through these emotions in a self-love journal gifted to me from a friend. I realize that I have been trying to be everything for everyone, and I’ve forgotten to be kind to myself. I forgot to love myself and show myself grace.
Is Anybody Out There?
Am I the only one who feels this way? I would like to think that I’m not. But my guilty conscience tells me to resent my thoughts and bottle them up, rather than speaking my mind. So here I am, vulnerably admitting that today I feel defeated and I resent myself for it.
I know that I am not alone in this. And if I am feeling this way, I’ll bet a few other mama’s are too. So, I felt the need to say to all of you that it’s okay to feel all of these emotions. Sometimes I resent my emotions, but today I choose grace. I hope you do, too.
