Growing up, I loved playing sports—mostly contact sports. My knees were nearly always bruised up from soccer, basketball, tae-kwon-do, or rugby. I have been incredibly excited over the past few years to see my 7-year old daughter, Abby, fall in love with soccer. She really has a passion for the game! It cut deep, then, when she casually brought up at the dinner table, “At recess, so-and-so told me that boys are faster than girls.” I vividly remember hearing this same idea in the same blunt manner at about her same age. It’s an alarming message to hear! You’re a child who has just started discovering your interests and talents. Now, a source with questionable trustworthiness has informed you that athleticism is measured out by gender and you’ll get the smaller portion.
I expect many girls would have questions and frustrations at hearing this. Based on my personal experience, here are some do’s and don’t’s to help you guide your daughter’s journey.
Don’t: Avoid tough questions or outright lie.
If she asks “Are boys taller/faster/stronger than girls?” it doesn’t help to respond “of course not, sweetie! You’re the fastest kid in the world!” (She’ll see right through that!)
My answer to Abby was this: “If you measured every man and woman in the world, on average the men would be taller. And if you measured everyone’s muscle mass, men would have more than women, which would probably make them faster. But all that measuring would take a really long time. Instead, let’s look at your class. Are you faster than some boys and girls? Are some boys and girls faster than you? Sounds like everyone is just different in what they’re good at, whether they’re a boy or a girl.”
Do: Give her opportunities to appreciate women’s sports.
At our house, we only watch women play soccer! My husband likes to say the men spend too much time rolling around on the ground faking injuries. We are so lucky here in America to see women’s excellence in so many sports. Whether you’re watching the greats in basketball, gymnastics, soccer, tennis, or—one of my favorites from the World Games— parkour, you can set a healthy tone for your household by celebrating women’s athletics in addition to men’s.
Don’t: Allow her to feel that she has a chip on her shoulder.
The prior generations have already fought that battle for us. Fifty-one years ago, Bobby Riggs challenged Billie Jean King to a tennis match in what became known as the Battle of the Sexes. He claimed that, at 55 years old, he was still better than she was in her prime. (Yes, the insult is palpable.) Billie Jean King won that match and famously said afterwards, “I thought it would set us back 50 years if I didn’t win that match. It would ruin the women’s tour and affect all women’s self-esteem.”
Recently I watched Sabrina Ionescu take on Steph Curry in this year’s National All-Star 3 Point contest, each the reigning champion of their respective leagues. Despite Sabrina making an incredible 26 points, I felt my stomach drop as Steph made his last shot to take the win. In that moment, I saw the contest as another showdown of the sexes in which women just lost. But as I watched the competitors laughing and congratulating each other, it occurred to me that the outcome didn’t matter this time. Steph and Sabrina seemed to feel mutual respect from being invited to the challenge, because talent recognizes talent! There was certainly no setback of 50 years, and, in fact, no woman should need to question if their performance would erode any of their gender’s achievements.
Do: Ease off the concept that you must protect her from any pain.
Of course, as a parent, you’ve been looking at your child with love and protection for their entire life. Your baby girl might have the prettiest dimples or curls, and she may still dress up in her princess costume. It is entirely possible that the same little girl is interested in slide tackling, diving for softballs, throwing a punch, and getting muddy. When she is committed to playing her very best as an athlete, she’s bound to come home with scrapes and bruises. They’ll heal!
Do: Find ways to direct her around insecurities.
Let’s go back to my daughter’s innocent question “Are boys really better at sports than girls?” No matter what words you use to answer her, the important thing is to avoid instilling feelings of inadequacy. My dad had a habit of redirecting my doubts in my games. Rather than indulge all my reasons why a match-up wasn’t fair, he simply pointed me to where I could improve.
“Oh, the basketball player guarding you is taller than you? Release your shot later. You’re getting pushed around in your soccer game? Hold your own and work on your ball control so you can get around her quicker.”
I learned a great lesson from my dad one of the times that I’d tagged along to his “Over 40” soccer league games. His team didn’t have enough players, so he asked if I’d like to play. I told him that I couldn’t since everyone was bigger than me, I probably wouldn’t be able to keep up. He said, “Sure, maybe. But they’re also old. I bet you’re a lot faster than they are.” That was reassuring enough for me, so I went for it. From that point forward, I have never self-excluded myself from a game that looked like a good time!
In this regard, I find it incredibly healthy for girls to cultivate the confidence to play in a game with boys. They’ll likely experience a different style of play, a greater challenge, and many more opportunities to play. Thinking back to recess, gym class, and especially pick up games as an adult, it’s nearly always the guys who bring the ball and get a game going!
In Summary,
Women’s sports have come a long way to gain the respect and resources that they currently have. Some areas are still in progress. So, what’s the number one thing you can do for your sport-loving daughter? Simply encourage her to be the best player that she can be!
