When it comes to my personal life I try to balance sharing my experiences as a single mother to a special needs child while also respecting the privacy of those in my inner circle, as well as the children in my life. I am selective even on my personal social media accounts regarding who I add and what I post. As I have gotten older, the desire to simply live a private life has become so precious to me. (I am also happy to share that I no longer will be navigating the life of a single mother as I am newly engaged to the love of my life.)
That being said, I wanted to share what it has been like trying to navigate the dating scene not only as a single mother, but also as an older woman with young children. Let me start by saying that it can be rough. I was once told that the dating scene in your mid-thirties and up is like swimming in a pool full of chlorine and the filter is broken half the time. In other words, it is definitely not easy. When you factor in having children, it is even harder to navigate.
Up until my recent engagement, I was a single mother for close to four years. Dating was not easy for me due to the fact that I was a full-time single mom. My son’s dad had passed away, and getting a babysitter to watch two young children, including one with special needs, was not always easy. There was also the question as to where I would be able to meet someone. I am forty, and the bar scene is not for me. Also, I just don’t go out a ton because I truly prefer to be at home working in my garden, reading a book, or spending time with my children. That left me with online dating and praying that the filter on the pool was working. Honestly, I didn’t even date very much then, either. I spent quite a bit of time focusing on my kids and myself.
When I met my now fiancé, I was days away from deleting my profile for good. Our story is interesting because we talked for several months before we actually met. I was very direct about my son and being a full-time single mom. I warned him that there would be times I would not be able to get a babysitter, so I may have to cancel a date. I warned him that there would be days when I would be very busy not only with specialist appointments, but also meetings to help advocate. I also warned him that there would be days that would be hard days, and that there were going to be times I would simply be talked out, touched out, and over stimulated myself (and on the verge of joining my son in a fit of crying).
It is one thing to say you are dating someone with a special needs child. It’s another thing to come into that child’s life and build a relationship with them and their mother. I have stayed guarded on the few occasions I have actually gone on dates because I’ve always known this life is not for everyone. My fiancé has not only been extremely patient with my son, but he’s also supportive of me. He has been a calm presence in all of our lives, and a steady one at that. He has also done something that is extremely important to me, which is being consistent and letting Emmett approach him.
Everything is a learning curve. There will be trial and error in all that we do. We’ve experienced that as we’ve navigated this new stage in our lives. It is so important to have support as well as a lot of communication with your potential partner. There must be an understanding that while your relationship is important, so is your child’s well-being. If your potential partner does not understand this, then they are not worth your time or energy. It is also important to give your child one-on-one attention and time. I make a point to have special days with just Emmett and me. I have time to focus only on him, so that no matter what changes come, he knows that we are in this together as a team.
Remember to also give yourself grace. We are all trying our best, and we are going to make mistakes. And, as always, you are doing an incredible job. You’ve got this!
